LAWYER: As executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read
Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament.
HEDGE: Well, get on with it! The bars open soon.
JENNY: Oh, poor Arthur! Waah!
HANK: There, there Jenny!
RALSTON: How predictably boring.
MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man.
LAWYER: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
RALSTON: I knew it.
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah.
LAWYER: I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body --
HEDGE: That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah...
LAWYER: -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my
overly emotional sister Jenny --
JENNY: Waahh!
HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.
LAWYER: -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they
could get from me and then shed crocodile tears when I needed sympathy; to
Jenny I leave... a boot to the head.
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!
JENNY: A what? (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: Jenny, are you okay?
LAWYER: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank.
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Ah, but still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls
Royce, and since I no longer need it --
JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
LAWYER: -- I bequeath... another boot to the head.
JENNY: What? (THUMP!) Ow!
HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!
LAWYER: And another one for the wimp.
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my alcoholic brother --
HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head.
LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life --
HEDGE: I'm covering up my head!
LAWYER: -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.
HEDGE: Really?
LAWYER: And a boot to the head.
HEDGE: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And another for Jenny and the wimp.
JENNY: (THUMP!) Uh!
HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!
LAWYER: Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston --
RALSTON: This is so predictable.
LAWYER: I leave a boot to the head.
RALSTON: (THUMP!) Uh! I knew it.
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ow!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, ah, I don't want nuthin'.
LAWYER: -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared,
made me laugh, brought me tea --
MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind.
LAWYER: To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath... a boot to the head.
MRS. MULROY: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.
JENNY: (THUMP!) Ah!
HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!
LAWYER: And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the
head.
MITTENS: (THUMP!) Mroooow!
LAWYER: And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave
not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil TO BE PLACED IN HIS
TROUSERS? (growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh! (panicking...) And, and, and
I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Calgary so
they can afford to move somewhere decent
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