Friday The 13th (2009)

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Connections: Friday The 13th

A group of young adults visit a boarded up campsite named Crystal Lake where they soon encounter the mysterious Jason Voorhees and his deadly intentions. --IMDb
Review by Tristan
Added: February 14, 2009
Jason has always been my favourite 80's slasher. Out of every single franchise, he's the one that's always been solid. There's a few shaky ones, but overall, two thumbs up from yours truly. When I first read that they were remaking this movie, I was glad. Most die hard fans were outraged. Personally, I don't understand why. This isn't The Godfather, or Shawshank Redemption, movies that simply cannot be remade because everything about them was perfect. These movies aren't about the characters or the stories. They're about sex, murder, and most importantly, Jason. I recently checked out the snoozefest that was "His Name Was Jason" and the only thing that really stood out was the statement of how iconic he is. This couldn't be any more true. Everybody in the world knows who Jason is. That's the main reason I'm not the least bit upset about them "rebooting" the franchise. Sure it'll be filled with music video editing, annoying teeny boppers, and some very horrible acting. Personally I think I can overlook this, as I'm paying my $15 to see Jason hack his way through 13 unfortunate individuals. However, while in the theater and surrounded by high school kids with cell phones, purses, fluffy boots, gelled hair, and chin straps, I realized this is not where any self respecting horror fan should be. I just wanted it to be good. I wanted so badly to go to the theater, watch Jason mutilate a bunch of teenagers, then go home and pop in one of the older ones and enjoy myself. I really can't get over how much I didn't enjoy the movie. I hated Rob Zombie's Halloween. This movie was far, far worse.

Let me just start off by saying two things. 1) I absolutely loathed this movie. 2) Because of this deep hatred, I'll be giving it a spoiler-filled bashing. That said, this is my little spoiler alert so don't say I didn't warn you.

Our movie kicks off with a 20 second summary of the original film. It's Friday the 13th and Pamela Voorhees is giving a camp counselor a verbal lashing for letting her son drown. She is promptly beheaded and we fast forward 20 years to a group of teenagers out hiking. As it turns out, they're looking for a marijuana crop that happens to be a hop, skip and a jump away from good old Camp Crystal Lake. While sitting around a fire the Star Wars nerd with glasses gives the abridged version of the Jason legend for anyone who's been living under a rock the last 30 years. Naturally they stumble across the weed, and Jason stumbles across them. You can probably figure out the rest of their story. Roll opening credits and we meet up with a group of city slickers who are looking for a weekend of fun at rich boy hotshot Trent's (Travis Van Winkle) summer home. While stopping at a gas station for a quick fill up and some food they run into Clay (Jared Padalecki). He's been looking for his sister who went missing over a month ago and we find out she was with the original group of campers that Jason met up with. What follows is nothing more than 90 minutes of kids wandering in and out of the campground, sex, drugs, and Jason.

The characters in this movie were awful. I didn't feel one bit of pity or sympathy for these kids. Nobody showed any emotion and the main character Clay was the most ridiculous and cliched hero I've seen in a long time. I can't put all the blame on the acting though, the script was equally dreadful. I am sick to death of a black guy being written into a movie for the sake of being the token, wisecracking black guy. It's 2009 people. Nobody cares anymore. You could have had an all-white cast and saved yourself from those cringe inducing "black" jokes. It made me sick to my stomach to hear the entire audience cheering and laughing every time he said anything. Nobody talks like these kids, nobody looks like these kids. I haven't seen it, but I'm sure if you lined up the cast of The OC beside our horror movie chums, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. People in their late 20's playing spoiled city kids. How original. Another thing that drove me mad was the camera work. On a grand scale it was alright, but anytime you really paid attention, say, when Jason was chasing someone, they absolutely butchered it. Camera spins around, nope he's not there. Reverse angle, nope he's not there either. Camera spins around again and oh my goodness, this 6'8" behemoth snuck up on you and is standing 4 inches away. Don't get me wrong, I know that's kind of his thing, but it was almost every scene. How many times can they show the same type of scene and expect the audience to still be interested. Nobody goes for the jump-scares anymore. How many sheets can be pulled aside, or closet doors can be opened with nothing behind them? This stuff worked (sort of) in the 80's. Time to retire this type of scare.

A few weeks back I watched My Bloody Valentine 3D. Now that was a movie. It was intense, the acting was tolerable, and the on-camera death scenes were fantastic. That is what a rated R movie is all about. Sleazy sex, nice gore, dead teens. For this day and age, Friday the 13th was an embarrassment. There was almost no onscreen violence. I didn't expect anything too over the top, but there was almost no blood. There were so many great opportunities for a nice gory death sequence, but they'd cheap out and go for a quick stab. This is no way to introduce a new generation to the most iconic killer of the century. Jason loved his machete, but he is also known to use a ton of other weapons to wipe out his victims. I'm sorry, but this movie had some stabbings, a throat slashing or two, and a few impaled torsos. This is not something you want to see on the resume of the new Jason. Adam Green had it right with Hatchet. You come up with the most ridiculous, inventive ways to kill people and you somehow work them into your scenes. I was only impressed with one death scene in this movie, and it happened before the opening credits had even played. A girl is trapped in her sleeping bag and tied up over the fire while her boyfriend watches, unable to help her. This is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to see for the remainder of the film. I guess it just wasn't the right time.

I ask you, what the fuck is the point of watching a Friday the 13th movie if you don't give two shits about Jason, and you're bored in every scene? I mean it folks. Literally bored. I don't care how many times I've watched the originals, I can still run through a marathon and be just as entertained as the first time I saw them. This movie was a fucking borefest as soon as the opening credits rolled. They blew their wad in the first 15 minutes and were never able to get back to that same level of intensity. Of course it's a very simple formula - stalk, slash, repeat - so you can't really expect too much after the first group of teens is bumped off. But this is no excuse for creating a 90 minute piece of garbage. And that's what it is folks, garbage. I really can't stress that enough. I have been a horror fan as long as I can remember, and I have seen everything there is to offer out there. I don't even care that this movie was such a disaster, because I'll always have the originals to fall back on. You know, the ones where Jason doesn't take prisoners and chain them up in his basement. Yeah, you read that correctly. Jason takes a prisoner. That was really just the icing on the cake. I can only hope that this hasn't permanently tainted the series for me.

Crispy #1: Crispy - added 02/14/2009, 02:21 AM
Looking it purely as a slasher flick, I dug the shit out of this one. As a Jason movie, it's kind of meh; but I had mentally separated it from the rest of the franchise a long time ago. If the viewer hasn't done this already, the bad taste in your mouth will likely be as bad as the one Tristan had. I'll give you the overuse of gimmicks was annoying, but it wasn't enough to completely kill it for me. I think there's some definite enjoyment to be found here for slasher fans.
Optimus Prime #2: Optimus Prime - added 02/14/2009, 02:33 PM
I think I'll never see this movie after this review. Entertaining review though.
The Red Clover #3: The Red Clover - added 02/14/2009, 05:28 PM
I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of horror films, and in fact counting on both hands I know there are more than a handful here and among the opinions I respect Fecal's is definitely up there and because of this review odds are I will not even pay out the four bucks to rent it when it comes out. I think it's a shame that the studios are merely phoning in pathetic revisions of old franchises just to make a film with a cognoscible title and lead. Desperate attempts at digging down into the pockets of the unsuspecting. To be honest I'd have probably seen it anyway, but I'd have been damn pissed when I got out of the theater.

Guess I won't even waste my time crossing my fingers and praying that "The Nightmare on Elm Street" revamp will be any better.
Random Disease #4: Random Disease - added 02/14/2009, 06:59 PM
Really glad I've seen Revolutionary Road instead of this one today. After reading this review I guess I can scratch this one off my books...
Tristan #5: Tristan - added 02/14/2009, 07:28 PM
That guy rules because he has a Troll 2 avatar.
Nirrad #6: Nirrad - added 02/14/2009, 09:05 PM
Fuckin Troll 2... As for the movie, didn't mind it. Some crappy parts, the ending was lame as all hell. But watch the movie for yourselves people, don't just read a review and not go. A zero is a little harsh. I'd saaaayyy..... I dunno, 6 or 7 or something. The movie was just....off. And as for Jason, I actually liked how he was more human. A thinking Jason is scary. Just too bad the movie wasn't though. The Jason popping up was getting REALLY old though. they used that way too many times. I have a lot to say, but I'm really lazy and bummed out. This entry is definitely better than the last 3 we had. (not including FvsJ).
Edd #7: Edd - added 02/15/2009, 01:31 PM
Final Friday is the last movie I really count as a Jason flick. I'll watch this, but I'll be indifferent to it.
bluemeanie #8: bluemeanie - added 02/16/2009, 05:03 PM
Leave "The OC" alone. That show was far more original and had characters far more sympathetic and entertaining than anything in this piece of shit. I don't know where to start. Jason was not scary in the slightest. The kills, with the exception of the dock kill, were lame and unoriginal -- how many times does someone have to get stabbed in the head or neck region? I hate the fact that Jason is evidently a master electrician and carpenter who has constructed a series of shanties and handy homes. The script was awful, the ending was pitiful and that one line -- "Give mommy a kiss...IN HELL?! An absolute piece of shit. 0/10.
Tristan #9: Tristan - added 02/16/2009, 08:02 PM
Oh yeah, I totally forgot to mention that final line. I'm glad we saw eye-to-eye on this one.
Nirrad #10: Nirrad - added 02/16/2009, 08:34 PM
That line was pretty pathetic. But what scares me is that I was the only one in the theater that actually laughed at it. The ending was definitely the worst. It just turned into a self parody. Pathetic and lazy. But I still liked the movie though.
bluemeanie #11: bluemeanie - added 02/17/2009, 11:51 AM
I just hate how they turned Jason into a human being. They did the same thing with Michael Myers in "Halloween" and it just doesn't work -- those characters work better when they are more mysterious. When I saw Jason flip on those damn outdoor lights and saw that he had rigged an elaborate signal using string and a bell -- I almost fell over. The whole idea was that Jason knew where you were at all times and didn't need things like that. He just knew. Why? Because it's fucking scarier! I HATED THIS!
Anthony Spadaccini #12: Anthony Spadaccini - added 02/17/2009, 12:19 PM
"Where are you, gun?"

I couldn't stop laughing.

I was disappointed at the lack of characters to root for in this film. I don't think I've ever seen such an unlikable ensemble of cardboard cutout characters in a horror film before.

Say what you will about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (and its prequel). But the characters (the victims, not the family) were actually likable. I found myself rooting for them, even though I knew their fates were already sealed. I emotionally invested in their plight.

There was none of that here.

However, despite its countless flaws, it was still somewhat entertaining.

And I also got to witness what has to be the longest pre-credits sequence in cinematic history.
Crispy #13: Crispy - added 02/17/2009, 03:12 PM
That delayed credit trick is nothing new. Hell, there have been a healthy chunk of movies where the title didn't appear until right before the closing credits.
Nirrad #14: Nirrad - added 02/17/2009, 03:23 PM
That opening was hilarious. When it said Friday The 13th, pretty much everyone in the theater said "What!?!?" as in they thought it was over or something. Funny shit.
Tristan #15: Tristan - added 02/17/2009, 05:37 PM
I doubt they thought it was over.
bluemeanie #16: bluemeanie - added 02/17/2009, 05:47 PM
The sad part is that, for a while -- once I saw what I was dealing with -- I thought Jason might really be a dope farmer.
Nirrad #17: Nirrad - added 02/17/2009, 06:24 PM
The moral of the story is don't fuck with Jason's weed. Which is weird cause I had a dream before it was released that I watched the movie. I hated it and in my dream Jason was a drug dealer. Crazzzzyyy. And Tristan, yes I do doubt I thought it was over, I was giving an example ya bum.
Nirrad #18: Nirrad - added 02/17/2009, 06:25 PM
Woa, let me try that again. Yes I know that knew it wasn't over, I was just saying. There we go. lick my shit btw. Now off to get Midnight Meat Train
Shakes #19: Shakes - added 02/17/2009, 08:36 PM
surprised to say I actually enjoyed it...it was a fun ride. its at least much better than a lot of the F13 shit thats out there. 5/10
Tristan #20: Tristan - added 02/17/2009, 08:38 PM
Do you even consider yourself a horror fan?
Shakes #21: Shakes - added 02/17/2009, 08:45 PM
me? yeah, why?
Nirrad #22: Nirrad - added 02/17/2009, 08:45 PM
Yeah seriously. Better than a lot of the F13 shit? Holy piss! I don't even know what to say.
Shakes #23: Shakes - added 02/17/2009, 08:48 PM
yeah, man, I'm a huge fan of F13 and horror films in general. a lot of it is garbage. don't sell yourself short, dude. don't get all gung-ho and shout blasphemy because my opinion differs from yours.
Tristan #24: Tristan - added 02/17/2009, 09:29 PM
I could care less what people thought about this film, but I'd love to know which F13 originals you think this is better than. Because I think I speak for everyone when I say that out of the 11 (now 12) movies, there's maybe 2 or 3 that don't quite stand up with the rest, and this is certainly one of them. When a horror franchise spanning almost 30 years manages to pull of a 75% success rate, it must be doing something right.
grain of sand #25: grain of sand - added 02/17/2009, 10:07 PM
Damn, yeah, I enjoyed it for what it was. I thought the "where are you gun?" was funny as hell.
I actually wish Jason WAS a pot dealer, it would have made this mess a lot more fun, but hey..

4/10? that screwdriver kill took Jason like 30 seconds.
Nirrad #26: Nirrad - added 02/17/2009, 11:49 PM
I'm not going to lie to you, I've said things exactly like "Where are you (insert here)" so many times. Like batteries, remote (on a number of occasions), guitar pick...etc. So when he said that I was like "yeah man, I know how you feel."
Chad #27: Chad - added 02/18/2009, 02:04 AM
Same thing that the review said. Wretched, disgusting, and insulting to the franchise. We're a full seven weeks into 2009, and we've already got our flop of the year. 0/10.
bluemeanie #28: bluemeanie - added 02/18/2009, 10:26 AM
Having seen all the F13 films more times than I can count verbally without losing my voice, there is not a single one of those films that is worse than the remake. Let me add to that -- "Jason X" is better than the remake. Jason Vorhees in fucking space is more entertaining that this waste of time. IN FUCKING SPACE!
Crispy #29: Crispy - added 02/18/2009, 10:48 AM
Whether or not you enjoyed or hated the remake is all well and good, but I find it hard to believe you found Jason Goes to Hell better than this. How anyone thought this that bullshit was a good idea, I'll never understand. And for the record, Jason X was fun as hell. :P
Anthony Spadaccini #30: Anthony Spadaccini - added 02/18/2009, 11:25 AM
I realize that the extended pre-credits sequence isn't a novel idea. That wasn't my point.

My point was that I have never seen a film's title appear at the end of the 1st Act before. It just struck me as slightly odd.

I've done the same thing (ask an inanimate object where it is) - however, it just didn't belong in the movie.

Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion. Just because an individual likes or dislikes this movie doesn't necessarily mean that he/she is or isn't a real horror fan.

FYI - Jason X was fun in a guilty pleasure sort of way. It was so ridiculous that you couldn't possibly take it seriously. I took it as more of a horror comedy than anything else.
bluemeanie #31: bluemeanie - added 02/18/2009, 12:10 PM
For me, a F13 film gets the highest marks for the quality of the killers therein. That is why I hated the remake. Only one kill was worth a damn and that was the aforementioned dock kill. "Jason X" had the head freeze kill and the sleeping bags/giggling girls kill. Every "Jason Goes to Hell" had more inventive kills. The kills are what make a F13 movie a F13 movie. So, if you're going to have more than one kill where Jason stabs someone in the head or neck or chest, it needs to have some kind of fun twist.
Crispy #32: Crispy - added 02/18/2009, 12:37 PM
*nods* That's a solid reason; but no love for the sleeping bag kill? I'll concede that it wasn't very Jason-y, but at least it was different.
bluemeanie #33: bluemeanie - added 02/18/2009, 01:43 PM
I guess I don't like the idea that Jason had to think about that sleeping bag kill. His murders were always kind of improvisational, spur of the moment kills. That one seemed too orchestrated and too thought out for Jason.
Anthony Spadaccini #34: Anthony Spadaccini - added 02/18/2009, 02:33 PM
I saw a few subtle hints that the story was influenced by the "torture porn" subgenre (sleeping bag, the girl being held captive).

You're right - it didn't seem a lot like Jason Voorhees.
Shakes #35: Shakes - added 02/18/2009, 03:32 PM
well let's see what we got here. new blood, goes to hell, jason X...lol? is it even necessary to provide a full-length explanation? some real gems there, bub! i'm willing to bet you walked in there expecting it to be shit (like all of us), then guess what?

well that was a surprise..and those 3 that i mentioned, are really the movies I was initially referring to. not exactly the originals. the point i'm making is i liked it better than some of the F13's and the shitty horror movies that are made today. so i liked it, you didn't. there's no problem.
Crispy #36: Crispy - added 02/18/2009, 06:24 PM
Yeah, this was definitely more of a 'thinking killer'. I think that's the biggest reason I liked this more than everyone else; like I said before, I separated this from the rest of the series long ago. As soon as I saw that we had a running Jason I realized a lot of "rules" were going to be rewritten and went in treating this like a brand new franchise. Obviously, as a remake it'd ideally have some consistency, but we all know that this is very rarely the case.
Shakes #37: Shakes - added 02/18/2009, 07:11 PM
yeah. categorically, it can (and probably should) easily be erased within the series just like with Jason X etc... and really, was anybody on the face of the planet expecting this to be some top number? of course not, at least, no one should have. if you expected anything other than what it is, then you were doomed in the first place.
Ginose #38: Ginose - added 02/19/2009, 08:26 PM
I watched the first teaser as well as the theatrical trailer and told myself that there was hope. The "TCM" remake was decent (though felt more like sequel than a remake), so, if theis one followed appropriately then it could be a great entry into the "Friday the 13th" franchise. The later two trailers watered my enthusiasm greatly... but, hey, if the gore was good then there was something to look forward to... I told myself that there was NO WAY this could be any worse than "Jason Goes to Hell"...
Yup, went and saw it opening night with hopes of reviewing it (and the blessing of my lady divine... had planned to spend the night with her).
Well, thanks for writing my review for me, Tristan... with the exception of the "Blue Velvet" reference at the begining this was a test of endurance.
0.1/10 for makign me smile hopefully at the beer crack...

...I wish Jason was the pot-dealer... probablly would have fit the tone better...
Shakes #39: Shakes - added 02/25/2009, 06:03 PM
first off, the TCM remake was godawful. what trash. and this F13, if we should dare to call it that, was a hell of a lot more entertaining (funny, freaky, etc) than "jason goes to hell," which was a complete kick in the balls, and a pathetic attempt. you made my day, bra', cuz that film has absolutely nothin goin for it, and it was just plain RETARDED in every single way. you can do better than that. shit, where's the fucking 211??? god bless.
Ginose #40: Ginose - added 02/26/2009, 02:15 AM
I... have no idea WHAT the hell you were trying to say there, but I'll go ahead and respond anyway...
I liked the "TCM" remake. Abysmal as it was compared to it's origins, it was still beautifuly shot , brooding, gory and had a few good casting choices (R. Lee being the most stand-out). Overall it wasn't terrfying, but it fel like a "TCM" movies (which is more than I can say about the last two in the original franchise). Now, since "TCM: The Begining" proved itself terrible (who'd have guessed?) and "An All-American Massacre" is never going to be FUCKING MADE, it's really the closest thing to a third "TCM" movies I've got (ofcourse, Leatherface now being a total puss not withstanding). So, I liked it.
However, unlike "TCM", the "F13" series really has a virtually perfect formula for a slasher-film franchise, this movie sought to change it all up and failed terribly as a piece of the series, and ducked itself a worse remake by trying so hard to fit itself in there... but, no, I'd put this aobut on par wiht "Jason Goes to Hell", but for different reasons. "JGtH" was original (stupid, but original) and atleast... tried t o continue the ideas of the series without straying too far from the plot... this one was much more traditional... eh, in a sense... and atleast WANTED to be liek the others... in the end, though, I found them both terrible films for a hundred and one reasons... so, hey, atleast it wasn't worse.
purpaul #41: purpaul - added 03/01/2009, 06:09 PM
I loved Jason X. I guess I'm just a fan of his work. The fact that he can disembody a teenagers arm without being concious....Well, I guess that's what Jason is all about. He is a killing machine. Not a vengful father with a retarded son (don't make me spell it out for you) and certainly not kidnapping, thoughtful, thinking man's mutilator. Kill, Kill, KILL!!!

I definately will not pay the $ to go see this in the theaters. Sorry for taking the word of a person that I have never met before, but, it sounds like he liked the same things about the original franchise as most of the people that own the whole thing on their movie shelf and have watched them countless times because they can't get over how some one can see a perfect pair of tits and all they can think of is using the hedgeclippers in the middle of the poor girls face or folding mister flexible right in half or smashing some strong good looking kids face into oblivion or, "He wouldn't kill a kid in a wheelchair would he?"

Kill Kill KILL!!! and do it in a new and fashionable way.
Tristan #42: Tristan - added 03/01/2009, 07:41 PM
Lucid Dreams #43: Lucid Dreams - added 04/26/2009, 12:41 PM
Everything they could have possible done wrong was done in this movie. The only part I liked, which made me laugh, was when the guy dropped his gun and asked where it was. 1/10
Greg Follender #44: Greg Follender - added 12/22/2009, 10:51 PM
Holy Cow... this was much worse than I imagined it would be!!!
Caught it on cable tonight while painting... what a fucking buzz-kill...

I'm not a HUGE fan of the series anyway... the original notwithstanding;)... but this was an utter disaster.
The series has always boasted a primal... practically supernatural killer at it's heart.... this just seemed like a modern cash-in without real regard to the source material.
Also, the whole sister angle was not only contrived as Hell... it turned out to be completely purposeless in the end.

I give this mess a generous 2/10 for the tremendous physique on the blonde in the last sex scene... bless her...she died on a set of friggin' antlers... what a waste.
Crispy #45: Crispy - added 12/23/2009, 12:26 AM
While I did like this, I'm in full agreement on that blonde. That chick was fucking smoking hot!
Rest Easy Soul #46: Rest Easy Soul - added 01/24/2010, 08:31 PM
If this movie was the first 10 minutes only it would be horror movie gold. You start out with Jason not giving any mercy to anyone and running and slashing his absolute hardest and spilling their blood everywhere. Possibly the best intro I've ever seen,

But the actual movie is very average. Okay, but average. It bothered me that they tried to change the cannon of the Jason story.
benloveshorror #47: benloveshorror - added 11/20/2010, 03:03 AM
I guess I'm not as picky as everyone else, because I thought this was a great slasher movie and a great entry in the series. 10/10
AttnDefDis #48: AttnDefDis - added 11/20/2010, 11:17 AM
I agree with a bunch of you. This movie is completely terrible. I missed the whole "where are you gun?" line, but there were two parts that I thought were so hilarious that I watched them repeatedly. They were the only highlights of this movie. I loved the girl getting stabbed through the dock in the head and then Jason knocking her head against the dock to remove the blade. When did she lose her top? Also, when tough asshole guy screams like a women when the dead body hits his car. I thought about that for days afterwards. At least "The Nightmare on Elm Street" stayed pretty true to the original and was watchable. This didn't seem like a remake or even a Jason movie for that matter. Pure crap.
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