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Tristan
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Posted: February 14, 2009 at 12:00am
Jason has always been my favourite 80's slasher. Out of every single franchise, he's the one that's always been solid. There's a few shaky ones, but overall, two thumbs up from yours truly. When I first read that they were remaking this movie, I was glad. Most die hard fans were outraged. Personally, I don't understand why. This isn't The Godfather, or Shawshank Redemption, movies that simply cannot be remade because everything about them was perfect. These movies aren't about the characters or the stories. They're about sex, murder, and most importantly, Jason. I recently checked out the snoozefest that was "His Name Was Jason" and the only thing that really stood out was the statement of how iconic he is. This couldn't be any more true. Everybody in the world knows who Jason is. That's the main reason I'm not the least bit upset about them "rebooting" the franchise. Sure it'll be filled with music video editing, annoying teeny boppers, and some very horrible acting. Personally I think I can overlook this, as I'm paying my $15 to see Jason hack his way through 13 unfortunate individuals. However, while in the theater and surrounded by high school kids with cell phones, purses, fluffy boots, gelled hair, and chin straps, I realized this is not where any self respecting horror fan should be. I just wanted it to be good. I wanted so badly to go to the theater, watch Jason mutilate a bunch of teenagers, then go home and pop in one of the older ones and enjoy myself. I really can't get over how much I didn't enjoy the movie. I hated Rob Zombie's Halloween. This movie was far, far worse.
Let me just start off by saying two things. 1) I absolutely loathed this movie. 2) Because of this deep hatred, I'll be giving it a spoiler-filled bashing. That said, this is my little spoiler alert so don't say I didn't warn you.
Our movie kicks off with a 20 second summary of the original film. It's Friday the 13th and Pamela Voorhees is giving a camp counselor a verbal lashing for letting her son drown. She is promptly beheaded and we fast forward 20 years to a group of teenagers out hiking. As it turns out, they're looking for a marijuana crop that happens to be a hop, skip and a jump away from good old Camp Crystal Lake. While sitting around a fire the Star Wars nerd with glasses gives the abridged version of the Jason legend for anyone who's been living under a rock the last 30 years. Naturally they stumble across the weed, and Jason stumbles across them. You can probably figure out the rest of their story. Roll opening credits and we meet up with a group of city slickers who are looking for a weekend of fun at rich boy hotshot Trent's (Travis Van Winkle) summer home. While stopping at a gas station for a quick fill up and some food they run into Clay (Jared Padalecki). He's been looking for his sister who went missing over a month ago and we find out she was with the original group of campers that Jason met up with. What follows is nothing more than 90 minutes of kids wandering in and out of the campground, sex, drugs, and Jason.
The characters in this movie were awful. I didn't feel one bit of pity or sympathy for these kids. Nobody showed any emotion and the main character Clay was the most ridiculous and cliched hero I've seen in a long time. I can't put all the blame on the acting though, the script was equally dreadful. I am sick to death of a black guy being written into a movie for the sake of being the token, wisecracking black guy. It's 2009 people. Nobody cares anymore. You could have had an all-white cast and saved yourself from those cringe inducing "black" jokes. It made me sick to my stomach to hear the entire audience cheering and laughing every time he said anything. Nobody talks like these kids, nobody looks like these kids. I haven't seen it, but I'm sure if you lined up the cast of The OC beside our horror movie chums, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. People in their late 20's playing spoiled city kids. How original. Another thing that drove me mad was the camera work. On a grand scale it was alright, but anytime you really paid attention, say, when Jason was chasing someone, they absolutely butchered it. Camera spins around, nope he's not there. Reverse angle, nope he's not there either. Camera spins around again and oh my goodness, this 6'8" behemoth snuck up on you and is standing 4 inches away. Don't get me wrong, I know that's kind of his thing, but it was almost every scene. How many times can they show the same type of scene and expect the audience to still be interested. Nobody goes for the jump-scares anymore. How many sheets can be pulled aside, or closet doors can be opened with nothing behind them? This stuff worked (sort of) in the 80's. Time to retire this type of scare.
A few weeks back I watched My Bloody Valentine 3D. Now that was a movie. It was intense, the acting was tolerable, and the on-camera death scenes were fantastic. That is what a rated R movie is all about. Sleazy sex, nice gore, dead teens. For this day and age, Friday the 13th was an embarrassment. There was almost no onscreen violence. I didn't expect anything too over the top, but there was almost no blood. There were so many great opportunities for a nice gory death sequence, but they'd cheap out and go for a quick stab. This is no way to introduce a new generation to the most iconic killer of the century. Jason loved his machete, but he is also known to use a ton of other weapons to wipe out his victims. I'm sorry, but this movie had some stabbings, a throat slashing or two, and a few impaled torsos. This is not something you want to see on the resume of the new Jason. Adam Green had it right with Hatchet. You come up with the most ridiculous, inventive ways to kill people and you somehow work them into your scenes. I was only impressed with one death scene in this movie, and it happened before the opening credits had even played. A girl is trapped in her sleeping bag and tied up over the fire while her boyfriend watches, unable to help her. This is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to see for the remainder of the film. I guess it just wasn't the right time.
I ask you, what the fuck is the point of watching a Friday the 13th movie if you don't give two shits about Jason, and you're bored in every scene? I mean it folks. Literally bored. I don't care how many times I've watched the originals, I can still run through a marathon and be just as entertained as the first time I saw them. This movie was a fucking borefest as soon as the opening credits rolled. They blew their wad in the first 15 minutes and were never able to get back to that same level of intensity. Of course it's a very simple formula - stalk, slash, repeat - so you can't really expect too much after the first group of teens is bumped off. But this is no excuse for creating a 90 minute piece of garbage. And that's what it is folks, garbage. I really can't stress that enough. I have been a horror fan as long as I can remember, and I have seen everything there is to offer out there. I don't even care that this movie was such a disaster, because I'll always have the originals to fall back on. You know, the ones where Jason doesn't take prisoners and chain them up in his basement. Yeah, you read that correctly. Jason takes a prisoner. That was really just the icing on the cake. I can only hope that this hasn't permanently tainted the series for me.
0/10.
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Crispy
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Posted: February 14, 2009 at 2:21am
Looking it purely as a slasher flick, I dug the shit out of this one. As a Jason movie, it's kind of meh; but I had mentally separated it from the rest of the franchise a long time ago. If the viewer hasn't done this already, the bad taste in your mouth will likely be as bad as the one Tristan had. I'll give you the overuse of gimmicks was annoying, but it wasn't enough to completely kill it for me. I think there's some definite enjoyment to be found here for slasher fans.
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Optimus Prime
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Posted: February 14, 2009 at 2:33pm
I think I'll never see this movie after this review. Entertaining review though.
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The Red Clover
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Posted: February 14, 2009 at 5:28pm
I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of horror films, and in fact counting on both hands I know there are more than a handful here and among the opinions I respect Fecal's is definitely up there and because of this review odds are I will not even pay out the four bucks to rent it when it comes out. I think it's a shame that the studios are merely phoning in pathetic revisions of old franchises just to make a film with a cognoscible title and lead. Desperate attempts at digging down into the pockets of the unsuspecting. To be honest I'd have probably seen it anyway, but I'd have been damn pissed when I got out of the theater.
Guess I won't even waste my time crossing my fingers and praying that \"The Nightmare on Elm Street\" revamp will be any better.
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Random Disease
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Posted: February 14, 2009 at 6:59pm
Really glad I've seen Revolutionary Road instead of this one today. After reading this review I guess I can scratch this one off my books...
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Tristan
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Posted: February 14, 2009 at 7:28pm
That guy rules because he has a Troll 2 avatar.
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Nirrad
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Posted: February 14, 2009 at 9:05pm
Fuckin Troll 2... As for the movie, didn't mind it. Some crappy parts, the ending was lame as all hell. But watch the movie for yourselves people, don't just read a review and not go. A zero is a little harsh. I'd saaaayyy..... I dunno, 6 or 7 or something. The movie was just....off. And as for Jason, I actually liked how he was more human. A thinking Jason is scary. Just too bad the movie wasn't though. The Jason popping up was getting REALLY old though. they used that way too many times. I have a lot to say, but I'm really lazy and bummed out. This entry is definitely better than the last 3 we had. (not including FvsJ).
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Edd
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Posted: February 15, 2009 at 1:31pm
Final Friday is the last movie I really count as a Jason flick. I'll watch this, but I'll be indifferent to it.
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bluemeanie
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Posted: February 16, 2009 at 5:03pm
Leave \"The OC\" alone. That show was far more original and had characters far more sympathetic and entertaining than anything in this piece of shit. I don't know where to start. Jason was not scary in the slightest. The kills, with the exception of the dock kill, were lame and unoriginal -- how many times does someone have to get stabbed in the head or neck region? I hate the fact that Jason is evidently a master electrician and carpenter who has constructed a series of shanties and handy homes. The script was awful, the ending was pitiful and that one line -- \"Give mommy a kiss...IN HELL?! An absolute piece of shit. 0/10.
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Tristan
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Posted: February 16, 2009 at 8:02pm
Oh yeah, I totally forgot to mention that final line. I'm glad we saw eye-to-eye on this one.
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Nirrad
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Posted: February 16, 2009 at 8:34pm
That line was pretty pathetic. But what scares me is that I was the only one in the theater that actually laughed at it. The ending was definitely the worst. It just turned into a self parody. Pathetic and lazy. But I still liked the movie though.
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bluemeanie
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 11:51am
I just hate how they turned Jason into a human being. They did the same thing with Michael Myers in \"Halloween\" and it just doesn't work -- those characters work better when they are more mysterious. When I saw Jason flip on those damn outdoor lights and saw that he had rigged an elaborate signal using string and a bell -- I almost fell over. The whole idea was that Jason knew where you were at all times and didn't need things like that. He just knew. Why? Because it's fucking scarier! I HATED THIS!
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Anthony Spadaccini
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 12:19pm
\"Where are you, gun?\"
I couldn't stop laughing.
I was disappointed at the lack of characters to root for in this film. I don't think I've ever seen such an unlikable ensemble of cardboard cutout characters in a horror film before.
Say what you will about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (and its prequel). But the characters (the victims, not the family) were actually likable. I found myself rooting for them, even though I knew their fates were already sealed. I emotionally invested in their plight.
There was none of that here.
However, despite its countless flaws, it was still somewhat entertaining.
And I also got to witness what has to be the longest pre-credits sequence in cinematic history.
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Crispy
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 3:12pm
That delayed credit trick is nothing new. Hell, there have been a healthy chunk of movies where the title didn't appear until right before the closing credits.
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Nirrad
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 3:23pm
That opening was hilarious. When it said Friday The 13th, pretty much everyone in the theater said \"What!?!?\" as in they thought it was over or something. Funny shit.
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Tristan
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 5:37pm
I doubt they thought it was over.
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bluemeanie
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 5:47pm
The sad part is that, for a while -- once I saw what I was dealing with -- I thought Jason might really be a dope farmer.
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Nirrad
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 6:24pm
The moral of the story is don't fuck with Jason's weed. Which is weird cause I had a dream before it was released that I watched the movie. I hated it and in my dream Jason was a drug dealer. Crazzzzyyy. And Tristan, yes I do doubt I thought it was over, I was giving an example ya bum.
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Nirrad
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 6:25pm
Woa, let me try that again. Yes I know that knew it wasn't over, I was just saying. There we go. lick my shit btw. Now off to get Midnight Meat Train
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Shakes
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Posted: February 17, 2009 at 8:36pm
surprised to say I actually enjoyed it...it was a fun ride. its at least much better than a lot of the F13 shit thats out there. 5/10
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