NARRATOR
As you can hear,
The Soldier plays very well.
Even out here in the back of beyond, he has attracted an audience.
A little old man who carries a butterfly net
A little old man, dear friends, who is, in fact, the Devil.
The Devil stops to listen for a while, he is intrigued.
He quietly approaches the soldier and touches his arm.
The Soldier, startled, springs back in alarm.
SOLDIER
By! Oh! You gave me a fright.
DEVIL
Apologies, excuse me, hah? Could you by any chance be persuaded to
give me your fiddle?
SOLDIER
What! Don’t be daft. Why would I? No way!
DEVIL
Erhh? Very well then, I’ll buy it, Hm? What if I pay?
SOLDIER
Nay…, I don’t think so, no, what can I say?
This fiddle of mine is just not for sale.
NARRATOR
The devil puts down his butterfly net
And holds out a book,
A book bound in red, somewhat tattered and torn,
A book he’s been carrying under his arm.
DEVIL
I’ll give you this book for it.
SOLDIER
No, I can’t bloody read.
DEVIL
Makes no difference,
With this book, there’s really no need.
It’s more than a book: it’s wealth untold!
You’ve only to open it, and lo and behold.
Banknotes!
Bearer bonds!
And gold!
SOLDIER
Gold? Well, I suppose I could just have a look.
DEVIL
Certainly, be my guest, here, take the book!
NARRATOR
The soldier takes the book and looks at the first page.
SOLDIER
Phew! Arbi, arbi, trage… arbitrage! Collateral promissory notes,
Going long, going short, numbers, and quotes.
I can read it alright, but, Pfeef! It’s all Greek to me.
DEVIL
Ah, you’ll get the hang of it, just wait and see.
SOLDIER
Alright, but look, if it’s worth all that money, this magic book,
Well! This fiddle of mine, this little job,
I have to admit, only cost a few bob.
DEVIL
So, it’s a bargain, you could say a steal!
SOLDIER
Alright then, OK!
That’s a done deal!
NARRATOR
The exchange made, the Soldier pores over his new acquisition.
SOLDIER
On sight, collateral, note of hand, sell and buy market quotes for Friday 31st of July…
But today’s only Tuesday, July 28th:
By gum, this here book is ahead of the date.
If I’m not mistook, this book can divine,
Things before they actually happen in time.
NARRATOR
The Soldier, scratches his head as
The potential significance of precognition sinks in.
Meanwhile, the Devil has been scraping away at the violin.
But producing, only, I’m afraid to say, a series of hideous squeaks
and howls.
DEVIL
Ach! Hey, please, please come back to my place? What do you say?
SOLDIER
Why? What’s up?
DEVIL
What’s up? Well, this damn fiddle won’t play.
Please, come back and teach me, I’m just a little bit slow.
SOLDIER
I’d like to, but I’ve only ten days, leave to go home.
DEVIL
What if I lend you my carriage and pair?
On foot, you’ll take ten days just to get there.
SOLDIER
Ummm? My mother will worry so, if I’m late.
DEVIL
Come, come, one day? One day, she can’t wait?
SOLDIER
Yeah, but my girlfriend’s expecting me too.
DEVIL
Trust me, you’ll make it up to her soon.
SOLDIER
This place of yours, is it far away?
DEVIL
Not far, two, maybe three days, out of your way,
You’ll be wined and dined, all found, full bed and board.
Then, I’ll take you home in my carriage, just like a lord.
Come on now, come on, vat do you say?
You’ll get home sooner, by maybe two days, and you’ll be rich,
Rich as the King of Cathay.
SOLDIER
What sort of food do you serve, did you say?
DEVIL
I didn’t, but it’s steak, the finest fillet, with fried potatoes and onions three times a day.
SOLDIER
And to drink?
DEVIL
Why, Bordeaux, Bourgogne, Sauterne or Champagne,
From ze best French Château, the finest domaines.
SOLDIER
Is smoking allowed?
DEVIL
Allowed? Allowed! My dear chap, we have only the finest Cuban cigars,
Meerschaum pipes, originally made for the Tsars.
We have Sobrani Black Russian or, perhaps, more exotic by far,
I believe we may still have an Egyptian hookah.
NARRATOR
Well, it’s the same old story, always the same,
We fall for it over and over again.
Something for nothing, that same old trick!
Anyway, Joseph goes home with old Nick.
And, true to his word, the old boy doesn’t cheat,
New clothes, a soft bed, and plenty to eat,
And each shows the other, as they undertook,
The way of the fiddle and the way of the book.
Yes, the old fellow kept to his word.
Two days well spent, and then on the third,
The old man wakes Joseph as soon as it’s light, and he asks,
DEVIL
Did you sleep well? Did you have a good night?
SOLDIER
I did, sleep well, I slept very well, yes.
NARRATOR
And the Devil looks on as Joe gets up to dress.
DEVIL
Have you any complaints?
NARRATOR
Joseph says:
SOLDIER
No.
DEVIL
Right you are.
NARRATOR
Says old Nick,
DEVIL
Are you ready to go?
NARRATOR
And just as promised, already there,
Below in the courtyard at the foot of the stair
Is an uncommonly elegant carriage and pair,
And the Devil cries,
DEVIL
Get up!
NARRATOR
And cracks his whip!
And then off they go at a jolly good lick.
Joe nervously watching the thundering feet,
Holding on with both hands to the edge of his seat, in fact, gripping the edges with all his might,
Gripping so hard that his knuckles turn white.
DEVIL
Hold on! Hold on tight!
NARRATOR
Cries the little old man.
SOLDIER
I am holding on, just as hard as I can!
NARRATOR
He’d like to jump out, but he hasn’t a chance.
DEVIL
Just look at my thoroughbreds, see how they prance.
Hold on, young man, hold on tight!
Good grief, I think they’re about to take flight!
NARRATOR
And so, with one final almighty effort
The team lunges forward into the traces.
The carriage suddenly takes to the sky, and the Devil cries out,
DEVIL
Now we’re off to the races.
NARRATOR
Rattling and rolling from side to side,
Joseph is certain he’s going to die.
His hair stands on end, his eyes are on stalks,
He’s beginning to wish he’d decided to walk.
His head is swimming, he’s close to a faint.
The Devil is laughing,
DEVIL
Ha, Ha! Have you any complaints?
NARRATOR
Faster and faster and faster they soar.
Over patchworks of fields and steeples and woods,
And rivers and valleys and copses and hills,
When suddenly, suddenly,
Time stands still,
The mirage fades like mist on a moor,
And then, everything, is just, as it all was, before
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