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Who's On First? by Abbott And Costello
Abbott: How do youhow do you like my lawn club for St. Lou?
Costello: Hey, all those people gonna be at the game today?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Ah, this is gonna be a whopper of a game!
Abbott: Well it should be.
Costello: Hey, Abbott
Abbott: What?
Costello: I understand they made you the manager of this here whole great team.
Abbott: Why not?
Costello: So you the manager?
Abbott: Im the manager!
Costello: Well, you know, Id like to know some of the guys names on the team so when I meet em on the street or in the ballpark Ill be able to say, Hello, to those people.
Abbott: Why sure Ill introduce you to the boys. They give em funny names though, St. Lou.
Costello: Oh I know they give those ball players awful funny names.
Abbott: Well, lets see, on the team we have uh Whos on first, Whats on second, I Dont Know is on third
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys names?
Abbott: I sure do.
Costello: Then tell me the guys names.
Abbott: I say, Whos on first, Whats on second, I Dont Knows on third and then you
Costello: You the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys names?
Abbott: Im telling you their names!
Costello: Well whos on first?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: What are you askin me for? Im askin you!
Abbott: Im not asking you, Im telling you.
Costello: You aint tellin me nothin. Im askin you, whos on first?
Abbott: Thats it!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy on first base.
Abbott: Thats his name.
Costello: Thats whose name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Thats the mans name!
Costello: Thats whose name?
Abbott: Yeah!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: What are you askin me for? Im askin you, whos on first?
Abbott: Thats it.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Thats it.
Costello: Whats the guys name on first?
Abbott: No, Whats on second.
Costello: Im not askin you whos on second!
Abbott: Whos on first.
Costello: Thats what Im askin you! Whos on first?
Abbott: Now wait a minute. Dontdont change the players.
Costello: Im not changin nobody! I asked you a simple question. Whats the guys name on first base?
Abbott: Whats the guys name on second base.
Costello: Im not askin you whos on second!
Abbott: Whos on first.
Costello: I dont know.
Abbott: Hes on third. Now were not talking about him.
Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Then tell me the fellas name playin first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin first.
Abbott: Thats his name.
Costello: WaitWhats the guys name on first base?
Abbott: What is the guys name on second base!
Costello: Whos playin second?
Abbott: Whos playin first.
Costello: I dont know.
Abbott: Hes on third base.
Costello: Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: Yeah. Look, you gotta pay the money to somebody on first base, dont you?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Does he give you a receipt?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: How does he sign the receipt?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that you give the money to.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: Thats how he signs it.
Costello: Thats how who signs it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!? Abbott: Thats it.
Costello: Thats who?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: When you give the guy the money, doesnt he have to sign the receipt?
Abbott: He does!
Costello: Well how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: Thats how he signs it!
Costello: You! YouYou just dont give money to someone without having em sign the receipt!
Abbott: No! Who signs it.
Costello: What are you askin me for?
Abbott: Now calm down. Im not asking you, I am telling you. The
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Whats the guys name that signs the receipt on first base?
Abbott: Well now wait a minute. What signs his own receipt.
Costello: Who signs his own receipt?
Abbott: No, Who signs his.
Costello: Im askin you, when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paper
Abbott: Yes, now wait
Costello: he puts his name on it.
Abbott: No, Who puts his name on it
Costello: How
Abbott: and what puts his name on it
Costello: How does the fellas name on first base look to you when he signs his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: To you.
Abbott: Thats how it does.
Costello: How does it look to you?
Abbott: Who!
Costello: To you.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: To you.
Abbott: Who! Look
Costello: When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?
Abbott: Now thats how it looks. Who.
Costello: HHowWho?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: Im askin you. Whats the guys name on first base you give the money to?
Abbott: Who! After all, the mans entitled to it
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yeah, sure.
Costello: All Im tryin to find out is whats the guys name on first base
Abbott: What is on second base.
Costello: Im not askin you whos on second.
Abbott: Whos on first.
Costello: I dont know.
Abbott: Hes
Costello: Third base, I know.
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: You got a outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielders name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought Id ask you.
Abbott: Well I just thought Id tell you.
Costello: The left fielders name?
Abbott: Why!? Costello: HmmBecause!
Abbott: Oh, hes centerfield.
Costello: Oh
Abbott: Told you all these players got
Costello: All Im tryin to figure out is whats the guys name in leftfield.
Abbott: Now, Whats on second.
Costello: Im not askin you whos on second.
Abbott: Whos on first.
Costello: I dont know
Both: Third base.
Costello: You got a pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Wouldnt be a fine team without a pitcher.
Costello: Whats his name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You dont want to tell me today?
Abbott: Im telling you.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!? Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me whos pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not
Costello: Ill break your arm, you say whos on first! I want to know whats the pitchers name?
Abbott: Whats on second.
Costello: I dont know.
Both: Third base!
Costello: You got a catcher?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The catchers name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. You dont wanna tell me, todaytomorrowdo you?
Abbott: Im telling you.
Costello: So the catchers name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. And Tomorrows pitching.
Abbott: Now youve got it!
Costello: Now Ive got it
Abbott: Hey!
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team!
Abbott: Well I cant help that.
Costello: All right. You know now, Im a good catcher. Now, I get behind the plate andand Tomorrows pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now when he gets up, me being a good catcher, Im gonna throw the guy out at first base. So the guy bunts the ball. I pick up the ball; Im gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now thats the first thing youve said right.
Costello: I dont even know what Im talkin about!
Abbott: Well thatsThats all you have
Costello: Thats all I have to do is to throw the ball to first base. Now whos got it?
Abbott: Naturally. Now youve got it.
Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebodys gotta get the ball! Now whos got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No, no, no, no
Costello: He gets the ball. Naturally gets the ball andNat
Abbott: You throw the ball to first base.
Costello: Then who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No!
Costello: Naturally gets the ball andand
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Thats what Im saying!? Abbott: Youre not saying it
Costello: I said, I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: No you dont!
Costello: I throw it to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Thats what Im saying!
Abbott: No it isnt.
Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebodys gotta get it.
Abbott: So Who gets it.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: Thats it.
Costello: Okay. Now I ask you, who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Same as you!
Abbott: Now listen
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who!? Costello: Then who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: He better get it! So I throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: All right.
Costello: Whoever gets it drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Now, Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Dont Know. I Dont Know throws it back to Tomorrow, triple play.
Abbott: Could be.
Costello: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Why? I dont know! Hes on third and I dont give a darn!
Abbott: Whatd you say?
Costello: I said, I dont give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, thats our shortstop!
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