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Aquarius
There's travel in your future
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the dance
No matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined
Once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer, the position of Jupiter says that
You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your bosses face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
The relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
That exclusively applies to only you
But, let me give you my assurance that
These forecasts and predictions are all based on
Solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron
Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around
The corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio, get ready for an
Unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of
Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But, you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay, yay, yay, yay, yay)
That's your horoscope for today
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