Meet The Spartans (2008)

DVD Cover (Twentieth Century Fox Unrated)
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Overall Rating 25%
Overall Rating
Ranked #1,533
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Connections: 300

The heroic Spartan king Leonidas, armed with nothing but leather underwear and a cape, leads a ragtag bunch of 13 Spartan misfit warriors to defend their homeland against thousands of invading Persians whom include the Ghost Rider, Rocky Balboa, the Autobots, and an ugly hunchbacked Paris Hilton and a shaved-head Brittany Spears. --IMDb
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Review by Mr. Mistoffelees
Added: February 13, 2008
Let me just start by saying that the comedic (if that's possible to call them that) duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have been churning out ludicrous excuses for movies (if you can call them that) since the Scary Movie epidemic began. Now, I will say that when I was sixteen Scary Movie was hysterical and fun to watch. But now, being at the ripe old age of 21, I would backhand-slap my sixteen-year-old self for even thinking of giving money to these bozos.

That said I bring you the review of their newest failure, Meet the Spartans. We begin the movie with a scene of a man on a cliff overlooking some skulls, and he holds a bundle in his arms as a voice-over narrates the tale of how Spartan boys were inspected for their strength and health before being brought into Spartan society. However, we get a look at the baby in the bundle and it is a Shrek baby, who utters some words in a bad Michael Myers accent and then spews on the elder. After he punts the baby off the cliff he unravels a baby Leonidas (Sean Maguire) with a full beard and abs. After some vigorous and deadly training exercises he is out in the cold as a teenager, and as he huddles against a cliff a giant penguin attacks him.

When he returns after having killed the penguin, Sparta greets him as king and Margo (Carmen Electra) appears, donning pigtails, a short tunic and a lollipop, and after some conversation they end up tying the knot. They have a child and while Leonidas beats the living hell out of his son, a Persian emissary appears and gives the same spiel we know from 300. And so, after a pit-of-death kicking frenzy that includes everyone from Brittney Spears to the American Idol judges, we have ourselves a war against Xerxes.

Now let me just say that the above events happen in approximately the first ten minutes or so of the running time. However, the movie is 64 minutes long! That's right, the movie couldn't even reach feature length, and this was mainly because the guys making the damn thing probably had one joke to say about 300 and said "Hmm, how can we make this a blockbuster hit?" There was no character development, no plot to speak of, and no good acting skill to be found. Should I have expected those things? Well, maybe, considering it's supposedly written by adults who should know that stuff counts by now.

And each scene, no, every other sentence came with it the possibility of a joke. I say possibility because I had chuckled maybe once throughout the entire movie. Most jokes consisted of body fluids being spewed out of orifices, censored vaginas, bad impressions of well-known stars, and overall juvenile setup choices (a break dance battle really?). Everything that could have been funny or remotely enjoyable was dragged down by poor writing, beating the dead horse to a rancid pulp, shoddy acting and predictable delivery.

Oh and let's not forget how many scenes and lines were lifted straight out of the original source material. Remember the cliff scene with all the men falling? Ripped straight out almost perfectly, up until they added their stupid humor. How about the riveting slow motion battle where Leonidas kills everyone he sees? Yea, that one is ripped too until something "humorous" happens. They also lift lines too, basically to a T. This formula goes on and on until the credits roll and you have a conniption from ever thinking of putting yourself through this garbage. Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, you take an art form and make it juvenile, turn acting into humiliation for all of your actors, and you put everything into your movies you could think of just to make fun of them, and while I could go on and on trying to describe the nonsensical character decisions you made, I think my blood has boiled high enough for one day.

bluemeanie #1: bluemeanie - added February 14, 2008 at 11:17am
I have no intention of seeing this. I saw "Date Movie", their first disaster and had no desire to see anything else. This makes all the decent spoofs look bad just by being in the same genre. 0/10 -- and I haven't even seen it and never will.
Edd #2: Edd - added February 14, 2008 at 1:27pm
I really hoped you downloaded this and didn't see it in theaters. I've never seen it, but if you paid money to watch this utter bullshit, then you my dear friend are a fool. 0/10 for the sake of sanity.
Mr. Mistoffelees #3: Mr. Mistoffelees - added February 14, 2008 at 2:30pm
Then I am no fool Edd. I would never pay money to see this, but I did find it another way and watch it. My only intention of seeing it was for reviewing, and a little just to prove how stupid and ridiculous it was. If you value an hour of your time, never ever see it unless you intend to win a bet of worst movie ever.
Chad #4: Chad - added June 7, 2008 at 4:25am
"Oh and let's not forget how many scenes and lines were lifted straight out of the original source material"

That's sort of how parodies work - you take bits and pieces from the source material, tweak it a little, and make it funny.

Anywho, I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but I enjoyed it. Nothing great, but I think a 6/10 is acceptable.
bluemeanie #5: bluemeanie - added June 7, 2008 at 6:25pm
'In the minority' would be a massive understatement. These films are vile...for both comedy and for cinema. All these films do is show that people will pay hard earned money for disgusting humor and lame jokes. This is a parody of everything funny. 0/10, repeated. Oh, and still have only seen bits of it.
Chad #6: Chad - added June 8, 2008 at 1:01am
I don't get what people have against these films, yourself included. They're certainly not high art, but I go in to a comedy to laugh... and these films pull said laughs from me time and time again. Really, what more do you want from them?
bluemeanie #7: bluemeanie - added June 9, 2008 at 10:00am
I guess our humor is different. I have not laughed ONCE at one of these films, and spoofs are one of my favorite genres. They aren't funny to me. They are bottom of the barrel.
Chad #8: Chad - added June 9, 2008 at 10:24am
Anyone who can watch the music video that plays during the credits (I'm not sure if that was a DVD exclusive or not) and not laugh has no soul. None, nada, zilch.
bluemeanie #9: bluemeanie - added June 9, 2008 at 11:36am
Anyone who can sit through the video at the end AND laugh has no brain. None, nada, zilch.

I will send directions to Oz. Someone needs the Wizard.
Chad #10: Chad - added June 9, 2008 at 12:18pm
Touché, but how can you say such without having seen it?
Crispy #11: Crispy - added June 9, 2008 at 1:51pm
I find comparing it to dropping things on your foot. I've never had a bowling ball dropped on my foot, but I know it hurts because I have had a hammer and a rock dropped on my head. In the same vein, I've seen that these two talentless hacks have NO clue whatsoever on what makes a funny parody, and judging by the trailer I have no reason to assume they've figured it out.
Crispy #12: Crispy - added June 9, 2008 at 1:51pm
At some point I switched from foot to head. Bare with me, I just woke up.
bluemeanie #13: bluemeanie - added June 9, 2008 at 2:12pm
He said it better than I could. Some films I don't have to see to understand their ignorance. I saw "Date Movie". Abysmal. I saw "Epic Movie". Even worse, and even though I paid $1.00, I want that dollar back. Will not see another one. They are cinematic abortions.
Chad #14: Chad - added June 9, 2008 at 2:18pm
You can both eat dookie. Eat it and like it, the both of you.
Crispy #15: Crispy - added June 9, 2008 at 2:20pm
Liking dookie? That would make us you.
Chad #16: Chad - added June 9, 2008 at 2:26pm
That would hurt, but the pain is dulled when I realize that it came from the guy who gave Black Christmas a perfect rating. ZING.
bluemeanie #17: bluemeanie - added June 9, 2008 at 3:02pm
I'm sure that would hurt him if it hadn't come from the guy who just gave "Meet the Spartans" 6/10. DOUBLE ZING.
Chad #18: Chad - added June 9, 2008 at 3:28pm
There's no comparison. Black Christmas is trash, Meet The Spartans is trashy fun.
Crispy #19: Crispy - added June 9, 2008 at 6:11pm
Pfft, the only complaint I've heard about that movie is how it's shit compared to the original movie, which I haven't seen. Maybe if I had, I'd hate it as much as the rest of you, but as it stands, I like it.
Tristan #20: Tristan - added June 9, 2008 at 7:38pm
I haven't seen the remake, but I guarantee you it's garbage. I'm a fan of the original, so automatically I'm biased, but I still know a shit movie when I see it. And the Black Christmas remake is just that.
Lucid Dreams #21: Lucid Dreams - added August 8, 2010 at 9:18pm
A few laughs, but mostly crap. 3/10
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