Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)

DVD Cover (Image Entertainment)
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Overall Rating 42%
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Thrill to the mayhem that ensues when ever-lovable serial killer Red Toole sets off on a globe-trotting quest in search of his missing wife, the lovely Violet, caught in the clutches of the evil Baron Nefarious who, of course, plans to conquer the world (or something) by turning everyone into mindless zombie slaves! The story may sound familiar, but trust us, you've never seen anything like this! --IMDb
Review by Chad
Added: January 19, 2007
Zombie movies are a dime a dozen these days, so if someone wants to make their own little contribution to the world of the undead, there needs to be something that sets it apart from the pack. Director Caleb Emerson decided to throw some humor into the mix with Die You Zombie Bastards! (as if the title didn't give that one away), but even the horror / comedy / zombie mixture has been done plenty of times over. Knowing this, it seems, he decided to throw in plenty of other things to make sure that it stood out from the rest: there's serial killers, a rockabilly legend by the name of Hasil Adkins, superheros, fish-men (with giant fish-cocks, naturally), ninjas, dog-men, cheese monsters, Swedish bar maids, and even Vlad the Impaler makes an appearance.

It begins with a soft-hearted, cannibalistic serial killer known as Red Toole (Tim Gerstmar) taking his girlfriend Violet (Pippi Zornoza) out to a picnic. There, they dine on the remains of a human head, but it doesn't take long before Toole realizes that something is missing from this romantic meal: champagne. He runs back to his house to grab a bottle, but when he returns, Violet is gone. In her place is a cloud of blue smoke and a hand-written note, informing him that Baron Nefarious (Geoff Mosher) intends to wed his wife in the most unholy of matrimonies. He also plans to turn the world's population into zombies, and as Toole turns around, he comes face to face with one of these living dead creations. He quickly dispatches of it by ripping off its balls, and he then returns home to transform into his superhero alter-ego. Donning a cape made of human flesh and a pair of briefs with a severed penis attached to it, he sets out to find Nefarious, rescue his wife, and save the world in the process.

I think that the plot synopsis alone tells everything that needs to be said about this one, and if this style of humor sounds like something you'd enjoy, you'll find no shortage of laughs from this release. The humor is reminiscent of the vintage Troma offerings, so if dick, fart, and poop jokes combined with plenty of naked women are your thing, you're in for a damned good time with this disc. Toole's journey takes him all around the globe, and he hears plenty of horror stories along the way to keep things interesting. Thanks to these subplots, the story never gets tired or redundant as it easily could have had things been kept to the simple "woman gets kidnapped, man searches for her, the end" sort of plot.

The budget for this one was obviously pretty low, but that didn't stop the gang responsible for it from putting together some neat visuals. There's some decent gore to be found (not as much as one would expect from a zombie film, but enough given the tone of the movie), and there's some genuinely creative ideas thrown in to the mix. For example, there's a door that consists of a frame, some wood, and a giant sphincter. Yes, in order to get in to the room behind this door, our hero has to figure out what sort of "key" will open a door consisting of a huge asshole, and watching as he figured it out literally had tears rolling down my face. It's crude and it's an extremely low budget gag, but I'll be damned if it wasn't hilarious. The same can be said about a lot of the things found in this movie, so keep that in mind when deciding whether or not it's something you'd be interested in.

This movie definitely isn't for everyone, but those of you who share my sense of humor and think that Troma is responsible for releasing some of the finest offerings known to man will definitely get a kick out of it. Besides, who can resist a huge battle royal consisting of zombies, zombified sex-slaves, ninjas, robots, dog-men, giant mosquitoes, and Vlad the Impaler? 8/10.
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