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Halloween

bluemeanie

Posted: August 31, 2007 at 12:00am

The mystery is over. For years, horror fans across the globe have sought an answer to that age old question - if Michael Myers had a theme song, what would it be? Evidently, according to director Rob Zombie - "Love Hurts" by Nazareth? To call "Halloween" a disaster of epic proportions would be the understatement of the year. It is, quite simply, awful. It's the worst remake I have ever seen, and that includes "Black Christmas" from last year. It's Rob Zombie taking an unintended piss all over everything that made the original film so memorable. It's utter garbage.

We all know the story, now here are the twists. The first half of the film deals with Michael Myers as a child, being raised by a stripper mother, a crippled stepfather and a bitch of a sister. He likes to torture animals and eventually massacres his entire family. He is placed under the care of Dr. Sam Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) and stays locked away at Smith's Grove for years. Then, on Halloween night, he escapes and returns to Haddonfield to find the sister he left behind. But, this Michael is a bit different than the one we remember. He can catch anyone because he's eight feet tall and strides like a gazelle. He's like bigfoot in a Halloween mask. He also likes to kill people with his bare hands, as opposed to using weapons, though he does use some. This Michael Myers is played as more realistic, which makes him seem more oafish than frightening.

Everything about this film is wrong, so wrong. The first half of the film is pitiful, with Rob Zombie trying to establish this troubled background for Michael - it could have been done in half the time. What is it about Zombie, but he seems to have this fascination with trailer trash. He thinks there is nothing funnier than a woman in a bathrobe threatening her trucker husband with a skillet. The film opens with such a scene and it sets the tone for the rest of the film. Zombie's dialogue here is as bad as you can get, with very little actually coming from the original. And if you're going to have Michael Myers as a kid and you're going to make him so vocal, please try and find a child actor who is up to the task and doesn't look like Eric Stoltz from "Mask". That's all we ask. Sheri Moon, as Michael's stripper mother, is beyond dreadful and really needs to give up the acting. And, when Dr. Loomis enters for the first time, he seems to be walking out of "Welcome Back, Kotter".

When Michael reaches Haddonfield, it gets even worse. Scout Taylor-Compton as Laurie, Danielle Harris as Annie and Kristina Klebe as Lynda are just plain bad. When they're walking down the street - I wanted them all dead right then and there. And Michael Myers just pops in and out like it's "Where's Waldo?" or something - why can no one see him? The three girls see this eight foot tall guy in a white mask and don't think anything's a little off? The Haddonfield segment seems to take about ten minutes, with choppy editing, a storyline that really lacks focus and some of the most ridiculous death scenes I have seen before. By trying to make him more realistic, Zombie has turned Michael Myers into a pedestrian. He's not scary anymore. He's imposing, but not scary. And who thought it was a good idea to kill all of these people who shouldn't have died? Was there nothing about John Carpenter's script that Zombie that was appropriate to respect?

The celebrity cameos are also more distracting than anything else - Clint Howard, Danny Trejo, Udo Kier, Sid Haig - just to name a few. Zombie likes to cast B-movie actors in his films, but most of them are B-movie actors for a reason. Here, his whole collection is on display. Brad Dourif gets a role worth noting as Sheriff Brackett, but he's really not that good in it. The same can be said for Malcolm McDowell as Loomis - he just looks plain lost, and he gets some really bad dialogue, compared to Donald Pleasence's dialogue from the original. When Zombie can make Malcolm McDowell look this lost, something is wrong with that picture. But, it's not just him. Tyler Mane makes a piss poor Michael Myers. He looks like Andre the Giant. He acts mentally retarded. The only thing scary about him is the fact that he might bump his head on the ceiling. And when he is about to kill Danny Trejo - "Mikey - I treated you good!" Wow. Nice set up there, Rob.

This movie was just plain bad. There are no redeeming qualities to be found therein. It's as bad as I thought it would be, and worse. It's the worst remake I've ever seen. Rob Zombie has found a way to create the worst possible remake of "Halloween"...it couldn't be worse, I don't think. Everyone in the theatre was pissed off when this film ended because everyone in the theatre hated it as much as I did. We had people leave the theatre frequently to go home. I considered it. I am a huge fan of the original and think John Carpenter a genius. I want to hear his reaction to how this film turned out. I would love to have watched his reaction when he saw it the first time. How could it be anything other than horror and shock and awe and disgust at what Rob Zombie has done to his baby. "Halloween" is a disaster. It's garbage. It's worthless. It deserves to burn in hell.

0/10.

ThunderStruck5a

Posted: August 31, 2007 at 12:44pm

i havent seen it yet but its a shame to hear it was that bad. Rob Zombie's done some pretty awsome stuff in his lifetime.

bluemeanie

Posted: August 31, 2007 at 12:59pm

He sure has. I very much enjoyed "House of 1,000 Corpses" and thought "The Devil's Rejects" was brilliant. This one just misses the mark. Actually, it never even sees the mark. Too much public and studio pressure to make this film a hit probably messed with Zombie's head a little.

ThunderStruck5a

Posted: August 31, 2007 at 1:05pm

im sure it was just a market run fluke and once he starts doing his original stuff again itll all be good.

bluemeanie

Posted: August 31, 2007 at 1:09pm

I am hoping so, because there was nothing Rob Zombie about this movie other than the actors.

QuietMan

Posted: August 31, 2007 at 10:41pm

I loved it n I thought there was alot of zombie in it but i'm not a reviewer so i'll just keep it to myself i figure my comments are normally enjoyed

Ginose

Posted: September 1, 2007 at 3:45am

This was the best use of a Friday night in years.
This is, first and foremost, a Rob Zombie movie.
I will not argue most points of your review, it's completely true for the most part.
I really don't want to bother trying to fit how much I loved this movie into here, I'll just do another review... I mean... wow...
8.5/10

QuietMan

Posted: September 1, 2007 at 4:12am

i ment aren't*

bluemeanie

Posted: September 1, 2007 at 2:56pm

I am shocked ans awed by your statement that this is a Rob Zombie. It truly is not. It's like Rob Zombie trying too hard to make it seem like a Rob Zombie movie, but just couldn't pull it off. He needs to stick with his own material, because -- wow -- I still just can't believe you liked it. And the second half of the film was basically a shot by shot and line by line remake of the original, just with bad actors and terrible editing.

Ginose

Posted: September 1, 2007 at 4:27pm

as I said, I'll explain all my reasoning behind liking this film when i finish my review, just hold on 'til then, okay? I'll be explaining it plainly.

Cryptorchild

Posted: September 1, 2007 at 5:40pm

I just got back from watching this. I kind of have mixed feelings. I don't see how it could be as bad as the review says. It's not horrible...but it's not perfect either. When compared to the orginal...it doesn't stand a chance. But I do think it is one of the better horror movie to have came out in awhile. I will agree with the bad editing though. Shit, there were times when the camera work and editing made me dizzy. But all in all, I thought it was a decent movie. Will it stand the test of time like the orginal? Fuck no. I would just go in and watch it like any other movie....forget the hype, reviews, everything and come to your own decision.

cky2kendall

Posted: September 1, 2007 at 8:17pm

I went into this objectively. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it couldn't stand against the original. Remakes never do. But even has a horror movie, it just feels flawed. The first half is decent enough. It's stereotypical trailer trash, but it could be worse. The transition of Michael growing up is a little out of nowhere too, but again, I can forgive that. The second half, in Haddonfield, is fucking horrible though. Everything moves too fast. Michael is everywhere. He kills 2 people, then a short cut, and he's back killing more people. It just feels very out of place and too fast. The actors make up for it I guess, since Dr Loomis and Laurie both have brilliant actors. The ghost scene was a nice throwback too. I dunno, I was just a little underwhelmed. Without comparing this to the previous Halloween films, it's still poor in terms of horror.

4/10

Crispy

Posted: September 3, 2007 at 11:57am

I think he should have taken the first half, changed the kids name, and just continued the original story. I was really enjoying it until it hit the remake stage. 5/10 for me.

bluemeanie

Posted: September 3, 2007 at 5:34pm

"Evil Has A Destiny" -- the $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart.

Ginose

Posted: September 3, 2007 at 6:23pm

Movies I've baught from the $5.50 bib:
"Escape from New York" 2-disc set
"Big Trouble in Little China" 2-disc set
"Kids"
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
"Haunte Tension"
"House of 1000 Corpses"
"Young Frankenstein"
"The Haunting" (Original)
"The Changling"
"The Hitcher"
"Enter the Dragon"

Bad joke, homie.

Crispy

Posted: September 3, 2007 at 6:42pm

You say 5.50 bin like its a bad thing