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I have this problem with my toe
And so I call my HMO
With a referral from my primary care physician
They say my call matters to them
They're like an old and trusted friend
Except friends don't make you ask them for permission
And the recording on the phone
Says leave your message at the tone
Tell us your name, your age
Your reason for submission
So I describe my nail ingrown
Wax poetic on the phone
This is a metaphor for the whole human condition
Tender, sensitive, painful
Now I'm listening to Brahms
Muzak to keep the caller calm
Trying to see things from the stockholder's perspective
Should I stop thinking of myself
While they are managing my health
While an accountant finds a treatment that's cost-effective?
Hallelujah, I rejoice
Is this a living, human voice
Talking to me like I'm a sweet, annoying female?
I plead my best bureaucrat's ease
I would be down upon my knees
Except I'll be leaning on this poor, throbbing toenail
Painful, purple, festering
You know this is an angst-ridden song
When it contains the word festering
Sorry if you're eating
As for my coverage, they say no
This is a pre-existing toe
My policy excludes all things pre-existing
So if I want the claim approved
The toe will have to be removed
Which they believe may keep the problem from persisting
This makes my doctor quite irate
Why should he have to amputate?
In his opinion, this condition could be better handled
And as for me, well, I don't know
I'd kind of like to keep the toe
I spent a fortune on these gorgeous Gucci sandals
Sexy, size six, retail
And so the problem goes on and on and on
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, January, February, March
I have been waiting patiently
Why aren't you listening to me?
Can't you see that it's trying my endurance?
I'm only asking to be heard
Hostage is such an ugly word
I would much prefer living health insurance
I want the orthopedic shoe
I want the Prozac approved too
This managed care is managing to make me hostile
You've put me off for far too long
I'll fix your ass, I'll write a song
About a nine-toed woman who goes postal
Crazy, oozy, bell tower
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