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The FuMP, Volume 18: Nov-Dec 2009
01. Tweetin' on a Jet Plane
02. Teabaggin' the USA
03. Gravy
04. Blockbuster Video Girl
05. Captain Abduction
06. Karma Jolt (Hobo Bob remix)
07. I Gotta Fever
08. New Moon
09. Thank God Thanksgiving Comes Only Once a Year
10. The Hanna Barbera Polka
11. Ho Is on the Rag
12. Toy Food
13. I Bagged a Tiger!
14. Blame the Elves
15. Santa's Gonna Telecommute This Christmas
16. White Elephant
17. All I Want for Christmas Is Stuff
18. Lesbian
19. The Twelve Signs of Swine Flu
20. BACON! (John Denver as a Mofo version)
When I was younger, I had my wishes
I dreamed of being something else each day
Wished I was a superhero or an astronaut in space
My life continued, and as it happened
I watched it from the sidelines and
I looked back and realised how I wish it had began

If I was a lesbian, my life would be great
I would be a lot less shy when asking girls out on dates
And I'd be the cutest girl, as I'm sure you're aware
And I'd be the only girl I know to wear boys' underwear
And if I was a lesbian, I'd buy pretty clothes
And I'd be all cool and edgy and I'd pierce my nose
And I'd have a lot of fun comparing boobs with my friends
And I wouldn't be afraid of getting pregnant again

As I grew older and went to high school
I was your average teenage boy
Wearing make-up and skinny jeans was the stuff that I enjoyed
And then it hit me one fateful weekend
I tried to lez out with my friends one day
And then I knew that my path in life was not completely straight

If I was a lesbian, my life would be grand
'Cos I'd go around in public holding my girlfriend's hand
And I'd read a bunch of anime and vampire books
And I could finally buy pantyhose and not get crazy looks
And if I was a lesbian, I'd dance in my bra
And I'd make out with another girl in front of Grandma
And I'd finally ask girls out without getting turned away
'Cos it seems like every girl I like always turns out gay

(If I was a lesbian)
(If I was a lesbian)
(If I was a lesbian...)