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Hello and welcome to Psychopathic Psychiatric Assistance!
Please listen to the automated menu
And choose from the following options
That best fit your mood and, or symptoms
If you suffer from necrophilia press one, but we highly doubt you're suffering
If you are obsessive compulsive, press two one hundred times
If you have multiple personalities, press three, four, five, and six
If you are delusional, press seven and your call will be transferred to Nibiru
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press eight for you
If you are paranoid we know who you are, what you want, and we're going to kill you
Press nine and stay online long enough so that we may trace your call
If you are depressive, it really doesn't matter which number you press
Because no one cares about you and we don't either
Seven one, seven one, seven one, seven one
Press dyslexic are you if
If you have low self-esteem, you should probably hang up
As your call isn't worth our time
If you're schizophrenic, we're confident the voices in your head
Will tell you which secret number to press
If you have short-term memory loss
Do you seriously remember what you're calling about?
If you have a nervous disorder, place your shaken hands on the phone
And press whatever numbers you can until you hear a-
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