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Every time you stifle a sneeze
The force of the sneeze cannot simply disappear from existence
It must manifest elsewhere
Often causing a small creature to explode
Or a chef's hat to fly off into the air
La toque blanche
The chef's hat
Why is it shaped like a mushroom cloud?
Because they both sure can cook
And why is a mushroom cloud shaped like a mushroom?
Not many people know this
But out in the forest, right where every mushroom grows
There used to be a tiny Japanese city
So tiny that even David the Gnome could commit accidental genocide
Just by taking a poop without looking
Ironically, Gnome Poop is highly sought after in Japan
Because of its mystical properties
And because it tastes good on sushi
For people who can't handle wasabi
Here in America, Gnome Poop's mystique is
Somewhat overshadowed by that of Unicorn Seed!
The hip new soda pop that all the kids are guzzling on the street corners
Its popularity has been hugely fostered by product placement in popular films
For instance, in the film "Muscular Hooker 2"
Will Smith's character takes a dramatically-framed swig of Unicorn Seed!
And then suddenly grows a CGI erection which extends into infinity
And then Will Smith's mind explodes, and the movie ends
For that scene alone, Roger Ebert gives the film three and a half stars
Not many people know this
But movie critics have a finite amount of stars
That they can award in their lifetime
They are often kept in a vault, heavily secured
To prevent a senile Scrooge McDuck from wandering in
Mistaking the stars for gold coins, and swimming in them
This is for Scrooge's own protection
As the stars have sharp edges
Which would lacerate his body into a bloody feathered pulp
If this were to happen, his will states that
The entire McDuck fortune will go to his grandnephews
Huey, Dewey, and Louie
And that his nephew Donald will get zilch
Because nobody understands
What the Christ he is saying anyway, so who cares?
As for Scrooge McDuck's body
It will be jerked and eaten as per Scottish tradition
Indeed, cannibalism of the dead is a cherished custom in Scotland
When a Scottish boy's coming of age is celebrated
A ceremony known as the Scot Mitzvah
He is forced to consume his own great-grandfather
Bones and all, in just 24 hours
Or else the local shaman will hit him on the head
With a magical stick that stops him from ever becoming an adult
Now, you might think that eternal childhood wouldn't be such a bad thing
Never Never Land and all that jazz. But no!
Once your parents are dead
There's nothing to stop you from eating nothing but sweets
As children are warned to do
And when your baby teeth have rotted away
There will be no adult teeth to take their place
Toothless, stupid, and unkissed by the spirits of puberty
You will be banished from Scotland to the only place in this world
Where an awkward man-child such as yourself can ever hope to be accepted
Ireland
You will live as a leprechaun
You will don a false beard and a green bowler
And stand on the streets jabbering about a non-existent pot of gold
When darkness falls, you will sleep in an alley on a bed of night soil
Clutching a potato, which will be your surrogate mother
If you are found by leprechaun poachers
Your only hope for escape is to mesmerize them
With a sprightly leprechaun jig
And then stab their eyes out with your leprechaun stiletto
Then you must run away to find another Irish hamlet
And the cycle will repeat forever until one of three things happens
One: The poachers get too smart for you
Two: You starve to death
Three: The stifled sneeze of a distant someone causes you to explode and die
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