Zombie Nation (2004)

DVD Cover (Lions Gate)
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Overall Rating 15%
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Ranked #5,046
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A psycho cop with a weakness for killing his female arrests gets what's coming to him when a pack of zombie women rise from their graves in order to get proper revenge. --TMDb
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Review by Chad
Added: January 1, 2007
Whenever I watch a movie that turns out to be completely horrible, I attempt to at least find one or two good things to say about it in the inevitable review. Call me soft-hearted, but I really hate to write a review that is full of nothing but - well, hate. As the minutes crawled by on my DVD player, I found myself looking for something - anything - positive to say about this movie, and the best I could come up with is the scene where we see Martina Bottesch's boobs. Out of the entire eighty minutes that this piece of shit ran for, this ten second clip was the only redeeming quality: does that tell you anything?

The "storyline", if you can call it that, is a complete and utter mess; however, I'll try to describe it to the best of my abilities since it's part of my normal review routine. It begins with a crooked cop named Joe (GŁnther Ziegler) who has a habit of arresting, fondling, and eventually murdering young ladies for things as trivial as putting makeup on while driving their car or having the nerve to jaywalk. Since he served in Iraq with most of the other cops on his platoon (who are stationed inside an abandoned warehouse, for what it's worth), they all cover for him and the bodies start to pile up. Sounds like your typical zombie flick so far, right?

Well, one of these ladies had heard about the "disappearances" that have been going on in the neighborhood, so she went to some voodoo priestesses to have a spell put on her. This spell began with the voodoo priestesses letting both a spider and a snake crawl up inside her vagina, and it ended with her drinking pig blood. You know, if a rash of crime broke out in my neighborhood, I think I'd just buy a stun-gun or something, but maybe I'm old fashioned. Anyway, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Joe eventually kills this voodoo-protected Romanian woman, and this sets the spell into motion as all five of his victims rise from the dead with revenge on their minds (it's a fairly small nation). There's also points to be found about a conspiracy theory, zombie women getting jobs as police officers, childhood abuse, an insane asylum, and of course, experimental drugs - but these parts of the story went completely over my head, to be honest.

Now, if you're anything at all like me, you're probably thinking that this sounds like your average low-budget zombie flick, and who doesn't love those? I hate to say it, but if they keep turning out like this, I'll be excluding myself from that camp very soon. You see, the zombies here look nothing at all like the zombies most of us are accustomed to or even as the cover portrays them. They look like your typical women, but in order to make them stand out, they have black rings around their eyes as though the makeup team misheard "Romero" as "Raccoon." They prance around in their fancy clothes, flirt with men, talk about how much they'd like to go dancing, and even ponder the chances of there being "thousands, maybe millions" of other people like them. This would have been great (in a wretched sort of way) if the movie was a horror comedy, but the filmmakers were dead serious with this schlock.

But at least we get to see some kills, right? Well, that's true enough, but each of the three kill sequences are set to some sort of techno-dance music that had me laughing so hard that I couldn't really watch what was going on. When I say techno-dance music, I'm not referring to the hard-hitting drum-and-bass music that Hollywood films love to use: I'm referring to "Britney Spears meets the Bee-Gees" techno-dance music, complete with sappy female vocals. I have to wonder if I just didn't catch on to the fact that this was supposed to be funny; I mean, the actors and actresses seemed completely fucking serious while they were going through the motions, but how could they have seen this as anything but comedy unless there were quite a few forks missing in their proverbial family trees?

You know, I've seen my share of horrible zombie movies: let us never forget the abominations known as House of the Dead and Day of the Dead 2: Contagium. With Zombie Nation, director Ulli Lommel makes those two films look like pieces missing from Romero's universe thanks to his horrible editing abilities, his abysmal writing talents, his atrocious plot twists, his Village People music tastes, and his complete and utter ineptitude behind the camera. Congratulations Uwe Boll, you're off the hook: Ulli Lommel now receives the "honor" of being the worst fucking director working today. 0/10.
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